Dear Diane,
This might seem trivial but it bothers me and I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has come up against it, so here goes! My son, who is 10, has quite an unusual first name which was carefully and lovingly chosen by my late husband and me. We wanted him to have something unique, which would stop him from blending in with the crowd. The trouble is that everyone he meets makes comments about it. Either that they don’t like it, that he must get sick of spelling it, or some people – mostly kids – just tell him it’s downright weird.
My poor boy has a lot to contend with. He lost his dad at an early age and we don’t have much money, so he doesn’t have a lot of the things other people have. I know it would probably be impossible to ask people not to be mean about his name, so should I somehow try to teach him to be more proud of it. A few times recently he’s asked if it’s possible to change it. Perhaps that’s an option, but I don’t know. Is it?
*Kathy
*
**Dear Kathy,
**Many people are not keen on their given names, however lovingly chosen, and I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this on your own, rather than have your husband by your side. It seems to be a part of Kiwi society that we feel free to identify differences and comment on them. Helping your son see these comments as surprise (at the novelty) or “schoolboy teasing” even if it’s an adult doing the teasing, may help him to cope better.
If you can arm him with assertive (and preferably humorous) responses rather than defensive responses, he’s likely to walk taller, have a better sense of his own identity and have a sense of control over people’s thoughtless rudeness. Here are a few examples of assertive responses to some negative comments: “I don’t like your name,” – “Neither do I. What were my parents thinking!” “You must get sick of spelling it,” – “Sometimes, yes. Sometimes I don’t mind.” “What a weird name!” – “It’s pretty strange, isn’t it?” or, “I’ve had 10 years to get used to it.”
Assure him he isn’t being disloyal to his father’s memory or to you by deflecting these thoughtless comments with some assertion and humour.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: family@nzww.co.nz Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
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