Dear Diane,
My husband and I split amicably a few years ago and I moved away with our kids. They go to their father’s most holidays and I’ve always felt they’re in safe hands there. However, the last time they went, my son said his dad had some weird friends around and that they seemed very interested in my 14-year-old daughter.
She’s never said anything, but her brother was worried enough to tell me. He also said she seemed nervous. I’m sure my ex wouldn’t put our daughter in any danger and I don’t want to offend him, but I feel like I need to say something. Can you help?
Sarah, Wellington
**Dear Sarah,
**I’ve thought long and hard about how to tackle this without harming your relationships – including the one with your ex – and doing everything possible to keep your daughter safe. Your son is the one with the concerns and, as far as we know, your daughter and your children’s father didn’t intercept his friends’ weird behaviour.
I think the best place to start would be to encourage your son to speak with his father about his concerns. He would be more likely to listen to his son’s concerns than his concerns transmitted through you and would then probably be much more alert when his friends are around.
A second option is to get your son’s permission (that way you ensure he knows he can continue to discuss things with you freely) to check with your daughter if she was indeed feeling uncomfortable around her father’s friends. Then she would be able to raise it with him.
A third option is to watch out for an opportunity (a news item, TV programme or stray comment) to talk to your daughter about being aware that not everyone still sees her as a child and that she does need to manage a combination of being trusting and being alert about her own safety.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: family@nzww.co.nz. Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
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